Having a calling sucks

I have been silent lately. Many years it feels like, but I simply could not find my voice again - a weird reality for me.

The joys of motherhood, middle age, and living in a city away from my beloved and wildly wonderful and dysfunctional family is taking a toll. God made me strong so strong I will be.

Building and selling in the age of AI can be lonely and depressing - so many people without excitement, worried for their jobs, and enamored with the unknown so much that they seem stuck in place. The collective pressure and fear that is compounding in the system is a lot to look at on any given day.

If I let my nature get the best of me, I worry that my silence and need to focus on only what is directly in front of me means my friends - my community - will forget all about me. That the story I tell myself may actually be true.

There is no help for you. You are all alone. No one is coming to save you.

These subconscious stories knock loudly on the days after an intense sprint at Faana and a battle with this thing we call every day life. Being a mother in America, living in Austin TX is anything but glamorous, especially if you work in "the system."

Building a modern Transformation System - one with a conscious culture operating system - seems to be the most rational thing I do on the day to day. To me, that's clear and available for all to see and I simply cannot understand why people don't see what I see, but I have learned that this special sight is just that - a new kind of special that only some want to get up close to see. At 45, I have learned that I am some people's cup of tea, but certainly not most. If I am your cup of tea, then you too are one of the crazy ones. I'm glad you're here.

It's in these deeply egotistical and self centered moments that I pray - for peace, for perspective, for clarity of the right plan and path to take shape, somehow giving me knowledge of what is to happen next, understanding of what's in front of me - somehow, as if I am the special someone who could see it. Puleeze. To the people who work closely with me right now, I am sorry. I will not always be this way.

The times marked with intense unknowns, explosive "fights" with my cofounder, and every other ad on IG telling me I must be experiencing perimenopause make me want to flip the table, throw my hands up, give up, and stay hidden in the covers in the mornings when I wake. But alas, as a dear friend of mine once said, "you can't unhear your calling.". Kris Looney, you were right. Thanks a lot.

Tonight I had to get away - get out in the world and experience it like a "normal person" - try to focus on anything but Faana. While I failed at that, I succeeded and remembering what an amazing community of friends, mentors, and advisors I have. Michael Logan is one of those special ones. A guy who most definitely gets it and has been a strong source of strength and encouragement for many years now - ever since I had the privlege of working with him in the last years at YouEarnedIt, right before the PE company we brought into the business ruined the fun and growth we were experiencing. As I think about leaders of strength and character and that unique *it* factor only some people have, he certainly has it.

I am acutely aware of the plight of the founder, the agony of the artist when they create during times of high stress and distress, and the perception - not the reality - that leaves some feeling like they are battling this thing called life all alone. I share this piece - I write these words - as a way to say, "I see you. I understand you. I am you. You are not alone."

Below is a text I sent tonight, to Michael Logan. Consider it an excerpt of my diary.

Hey Logan. How are ya? I meet with Dave again next week. I really like him. What a patient and grounded dude. And, as for me, what a miserable and insanely wild rollercoaster this is. Someone should have told me that building something innovative was the loneliest and most miserable existence. I would have married rich first! ha!

This journey is full of twists and turns and rather miserable low valleys of depression. Perhaps it’s being middle aged, or perhaps it’s also because I am empty nesting at the same time. What a ridiculously stupid decision to build during this time.

The vision, my culture, and the heart of me is always compelled and drawn to service - I get pulled there so much that I am very much looking forward to hiring a CEO so I can get in the right position for me, for this thing. I think that’s much closer to Chief Product Officer, for what it’s worth. I’m starting to actively look for someone who is the right specific someone to come in and be here, so they can step into position at the right time.

Perhaps because I am a Woman. Perhaps because my father was a Marine. Perhaps because my mother was a nurse. I come from a long line of servant leaders who care deeply about this country and about caring for people. As I think about this journey and the agony that it is, I don’t actually think it’s me so much as it’s the culture of unconscious leadership, in men and in capital, that is saturated across Austin. Luckily I cut my team in the Ozarks, and they know how to do real business that has a lasting impact - ROI and community impact - these things are not mutually exclusive. It certainly has changed the rose colored glasses I could have been accused of wearing, and I have to be careful not to be seen as a “bitter and bitchy woman” doing this work. That doesn’t work well when raising money, or selling to men, or maneuvering to get what I need in terms of conscious capital and ideal fit early adopters. I refuse to serve any client that doesn’t want to do good by their people, which is easier than people think. There are so many CEOs that want to do good by their people, but how is the hardest part. I refuse to take capital that comes with strings attached in any way (not so easy). If anyone needs any proof that the #metoo movement hurt us more than it helped, I’m telling you right now - the aftermath of the outrage is even worse. "Progressive" culture can kiss my ass - excuse my French.

Building complex tech that transforms organizational culture and leadership - in the midst of an American culture that is divided and weak was also a very stupid, stupid, stupid thing to do. But, alas, no one said a founder is a rational actor, and mothers certainly are not rational actors, but they are lions for sure. I like the challenge of a big massive market challenge, but finding the courage and boldness to say what I mean and mean what I say - well, it takes another level of courage when the conditions inside of rooms are not constructed to allow women to keep their voice. This, by the way, is proven in leadership, and proven in my data. Women cannot be the “only other” and survive long. They start to lose the thing that makes them strong. Staying inside those rooms too long distorts the system - the human system. I see it everywhere with tech peeps who have been in those rooms for 25+ years - fragmentation and deep dysfunction, yet they cannot recognize it, just as they cannot recognize the ripple effect of negative impact it causes.

About this city: The deep gap of service in the face of all the money and luxury hurts my spirit so much that I just had to stop going downtown, and stopped taking calls from almost anyone, as I just couldn’t handle it anymore. While the meaningful moments of my life increased as I was in direct proximity to those who need more support and care, my personal system wasn’t able to carry the weight of the need. It’s this dichotomy - being so up-close-and-personal with the two worlds every day - that has caused me to ask, “what the hell is wrong with me? Why would I subject myself to this?” Only God knows, although I have a suspicion. Some people are just “wired that way”. This, too, is not what I believe at all. Our wiring can change, but it certainly creates a powerful magnet, a drawing to certain things, and this is certainly one that has drawn me to it and it won’t let me go. 🥴🙄🙄 *** has no idea what they unleashed. They should know better - telling me no does no good, much to the dismay of those close to me. It just forces me to find a different path that takes longer, is a more windy road, but it’s the same road nonetheless.

Anyway - sorry for the novel but I feel compelled to apologize to you for being so emotionally up and down and poor at communicating. It’s a feature of this time of my life and this mission I have taken on. I swear to you-know-what I have tried to quit Faana a million times - to get off this ride - to take a job and find a release valve, but somehow the punches in the face just motivate me to hit it differently the next day; to go faster in a different direction. Go figure. Iron Mike is and always will be - my main man.

I hope you and the family are enjoying beach life! I hope to catch up soon.